Well, I have been here before. The warm air inside the room, power cut and the heavy rain spraying on my window pane, aah! The same feeling, that used to be during the month of April, here at home. The mornings would be empty, without a soul in the house except me as both my parents would step out of home, for work. Its been almost 6 long years of being away from home, and all seems to be the same whenever I come back. Talking about the April mornings, after waking up from bed, I would often find myself moving to and fro , from one room to the other, fiddling with anything around the corner. Perhaps, I try to relate back to times that was!
Maa has kept the house so well, with her innate delights of interior decoration and yes the same warmth always. Now, each room in the house beholds so much value to me. It is indeed a strange feeling because I used to take things so much for granted when I grew up here but today everything is so beautiful and valuable.
Maa has kept the house so well, with her innate delights of interior decoration and yes the same warmth always. Now, each room in the house beholds so much value to me. It is indeed a strange feeling because I used to take things so much for granted when I grew up here but today everything is so beautiful and valuable.
My room, for instance where Maa has kept all my possessions the very same way I had left , six years back. Even the used boxes of 'lip balm' and 'empty evaporated perfume bottles' are kept intact, as it was. I wonder! Why so?! Did she never visit my room after I left?! Was it that difficult for her to throw my things away? Even the used ones?! Scanning each shelf, I found my old ornaments, my cassette collections, my diaries, those huge stack of books (reminded me of my 'being-nerd' phase) and my pink clay wind chime. Everything felt so real, suddenly. To my surprise, what I had come came across next brought tears into my eyes- 'My toy kitchen set!', perhaps the last one that survived. Sigh! it had tiny plates, glasses, rolling pins, a gas stove and what not. I cannot even recall the last time I would have used them while pretend playing with my peers. Tiny joys of life indeed, that remain 'still'in time. Gazing away from the kitchen set, I saw the old poster stuck to my room door, which I had made once as a teenager. Damn! It said "Do not Enter"! Looks like 'privacy' did matter a lot to me then! I still remember how diligently I had created this poster, describing my passions in life. It comprised of everything I liked at that point in life. Be it the pop stars I was crazy about like Avril and Shakira to being the heart throb fan of Hrithik Roshan (whom I still adore!). Precisely, one could easily read the story of a 'Teenage soul' right at my door step.
One of the other luxuries being home, is snacking now and then. I keep visiting the kitchen every 5 minutes. Thanks to Maa, for stocking the kitchen with my favourite cakes, juices, desserts, namkeens and what not! Even If I keep binging all the time, I always find myself hungry. God knows how! It is ironical how I consider the same habit of binging an utter waste of time when I am away from home. I do not even consider it part of my lifestyle. But why so? Is it because I cannot afford to waste money on my daily cravings? Or is it just because I do not have the time to eat except the daily three course meal, that I usually do not skip?! Or is it because 'binging' exclusively for me should be done only at home?! Well, that's still unclear. One more thing that I thought would never happen in my life was craving for 'Fish'! I still remember how fussy I would be when Papa (who can literally survive on fish) would get the best and expensive fish in town just to feed me and I would create a fuss out of it. He would say, 'There will be a time when you would actually get bored with meat and seek out for fish', and yes! that moment did arrive, I missed 'fresh water' fish delicacies out there in Bangalore. Nevertheless, the craving is taken care of whenever I am home as Papa stocks the refrigerator with all varieties of fish, with sizes big to small.
This time, homecoming itself is so rejuvenating. It might be because I have come with an empty mind, with no plans of what I would be doing for sometime now and when I would be going back again. Its been a while I have felt so light as a feather. I am finding joy in almost everything I do, in every moment I am living. The other day I almost felt like a 10 year old, when Maa and Papa decided to take me for a movie not in the PVR cinemas but to our very own 'Anuradha Cinemas'. Like old times we went for a night show. I sat in between Maa and Paa, like a kid all curled up to the hall seat. Papa got me popcorn. Unlike before the popcorn had choices of Caramel, Cheese and Salted. The joy in Maa's face while informing me the same! So adorable!
Today, when I am writing this I feel so grown up. As a kid I would have had so many dreams of growing up as an independent woman, of living life on my own terms, of even being little away from the normal routine that I was raised in. But now when I look at myself I realize of what I have missed this entire time while weaving my own dreams, of being away from my roots, my family and my own home. People strive for excellence, aspire for gaining more and more out of everything but in this course are we heading towards integrity or despair?! Aren't we webbed from all sides by the whims of this materialistic world? We aspire to see a beautiful world with rose tinted glasses but does is comprise of our roots? Our own parents? Our siblings? Going away from home, leading an independent life, gaining the freedom every young girl would crave for and above all living my life to the fullest. I got the opportunity of doing all that I wanted but sometimes I would get so engrossed in work and in my own lifestyle, that even a phone call from Maa would become a burden to receive. Now, when I think about it, I feel so guilty. All that we lack sometimes is 'time', the most valuable thing in life I believe. We know it is precious, we know it waits for none and we know we have to make use of it. But do we know for whom we need to utilize it the most? No!
This Déjà vu that I am experiencing right now, was even a past that I had lived someday. Me, my little brother, Maa and Papa, that was the world I grew up in. Yes, times have changed. But home hasn't, my family hasn't and yet we as individuals have! Perhaps, being away from home was much needed for me and I would suggest every child should experience it, but for good. For me, I realized what I actually was, what I valued the most, what I missed the most, that is my family. Today, I feel blessed to being able to witness this realization from a unique perspective.When I was thrown into the adult world, I wasn't prepared for so many life changes, from career conflicts to financially broke days, from broken relationships to maintaining some good ones. But all this while, one thing that always remained constant, was my family and their support. I wouldn't have valued this so much until I had decided to step out of my comfort zone of going away from home.
The stark difference in me, has not taken place over night but it is only because of this Déjà vu that takes me to and fro in time. It allows me to compare and contrast my own life 'that was' with my life 'that is' right now. Re-kindling of memories is the magic of this Déjà vu, which oozes the pain out, the guilt out and gradually recovers it with its soothing perspectives that remain, I believe Forever!
This time, homecoming itself is so rejuvenating. It might be because I have come with an empty mind, with no plans of what I would be doing for sometime now and when I would be going back again. Its been a while I have felt so light as a feather. I am finding joy in almost everything I do, in every moment I am living. The other day I almost felt like a 10 year old, when Maa and Papa decided to take me for a movie not in the PVR cinemas but to our very own 'Anuradha Cinemas'. Like old times we went for a night show. I sat in between Maa and Paa, like a kid all curled up to the hall seat. Papa got me popcorn. Unlike before the popcorn had choices of Caramel, Cheese and Salted. The joy in Maa's face while informing me the same! So adorable!
Today, when I am writing this I feel so grown up. As a kid I would have had so many dreams of growing up as an independent woman, of living life on my own terms, of even being little away from the normal routine that I was raised in. But now when I look at myself I realize of what I have missed this entire time while weaving my own dreams, of being away from my roots, my family and my own home. People strive for excellence, aspire for gaining more and more out of everything but in this course are we heading towards integrity or despair?! Aren't we webbed from all sides by the whims of this materialistic world? We aspire to see a beautiful world with rose tinted glasses but does is comprise of our roots? Our own parents? Our siblings? Going away from home, leading an independent life, gaining the freedom every young girl would crave for and above all living my life to the fullest. I got the opportunity of doing all that I wanted but sometimes I would get so engrossed in work and in my own lifestyle, that even a phone call from Maa would become a burden to receive. Now, when I think about it, I feel so guilty. All that we lack sometimes is 'time', the most valuable thing in life I believe. We know it is precious, we know it waits for none and we know we have to make use of it. But do we know for whom we need to utilize it the most? No!
This Déjà vu that I am experiencing right now, was even a past that I had lived someday. Me, my little brother, Maa and Papa, that was the world I grew up in. Yes, times have changed. But home hasn't, my family hasn't and yet we as individuals have! Perhaps, being away from home was much needed for me and I would suggest every child should experience it, but for good. For me, I realized what I actually was, what I valued the most, what I missed the most, that is my family. Today, I feel blessed to being able to witness this realization from a unique perspective.When I was thrown into the adult world, I wasn't prepared for so many life changes, from career conflicts to financially broke days, from broken relationships to maintaining some good ones. But all this while, one thing that always remained constant, was my family and their support. I wouldn't have valued this so much until I had decided to step out of my comfort zone of going away from home.
The stark difference in me, has not taken place over night but it is only because of this Déjà vu that takes me to and fro in time. It allows me to compare and contrast my own life 'that was' with my life 'that is' right now. Re-kindling of memories is the magic of this Déjà vu, which oozes the pain out, the guilt out and gradually recovers it with its soothing perspectives that remain, I believe Forever!
No comments:
Post a Comment